Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
