She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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