i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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