so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
