I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
