This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
