fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
