Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
