Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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