I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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