Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
