I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
