I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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