My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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