If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
