how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
