Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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