he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
