that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
