God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
