Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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