guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
