Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
