worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
