I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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