I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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