also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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