I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize