i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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