did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize