i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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