I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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