I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
how drunk are you?
Several
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
