we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
