i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dicks are not precious.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
