Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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