so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have aggressive nipples.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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