I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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