What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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