He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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