I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
