Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
