I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
