I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
