I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
time to smoke my breakfast
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pants are for mortals
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