Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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