Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
