too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize