I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
