K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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