Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
