Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
