I am puke
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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