i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
