I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
