Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
