Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
