The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
