One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
