She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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