i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
