dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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