I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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