Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I faked an abortion last night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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