so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
