so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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