At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
