I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
