It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
