i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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